I Don’t Need Positive Affirmations From A Tampon

My new workout, Insanity from Beachbody, involves a great deal of jumping, running in place, and plyometric squats–it’s a lot like a pre-season sports workout (maybe the Cubs ought to do it; it might make Derek Lee a lot less lazy!). My female readers are aware that if a girl is going to take part in certain fitness routines and sports, tampons are a necessity.

Confession: I have not purchased tampons since 1997–my last season of NCAA Softball. Due to the advanced technology and design of the other options available–and my generally sedentary lifestyle over the past few years–they seemed unnecessary. So the other day I walked over to my local CVS at the corner of Clark & Division to procure a box. I wound up choosing the Playtex Sport brand. Packaged in a pink and green box, this product claims to be designed “for active lifestyles.” Cool, just what I need. There are images on the box of women playing tennis, jogging, and dancing, as if to say “The All American Woman uses this tampon! You could be that woman! You’ve Come a Long Way Baby! You’re Gonna Make It After All!” OK, whatever, I get it, advertising people. I don’t need to be convinced. The things just need to work…

When I brought them home and opened the box I found something….ridiculous and downright hysterical! The tampons were packaged in plastic, of course, although an oddly textured pink and green plastic. But that wasn’t the weird part. On each wrapper was written two or three…I guess you would call them “mantras.” And all the mantras were different. They included:

“You’re a take-charge kind of girl!” (Because I bought a box of tampons?)

“Celebrate a bold attitude.” (OK, what does this have to do with tampons?)

“Reach for the finish line!” (Ah, the sports theme. Got it.)

“No distractions…just pure concentration!” (Contrary to popular belief, women can menstruate and chew gum at the same time.)

“The score doesn’t tell the whole story!” (Sports again.)

“Live fearlessly!” (Yeah, because I’ve got these really cool tampons! Sweet!)

“Go play, I’ve got your back.” (This one is obvious.)

“Go Team!” (The whole team bought the same tampons?)

I get what they are trying to do, but to the marketing geniuses over at Playtex: I don’t need positive affirmations from a tampon. Seriously, bro, this was a waste of the valuable time of some junior copywriter at an advertising agency. In the time you spent thinking up this one you could have thought up more of those annoying Axe commercials or a clever new Absolut ad. I set my own fitness goals, thank you very much. And I am inspired by…you know…actual people. Athletes like Dara Torres, Picabo Street, Venus and Serena Williams, Mia Hamm, Florence Griffin-Joyner…these are the people that inspire me.

Do me a favor–just wrap the damn tampons in the plain ol’ regular plastic and leave the inspiration to real people, not inanimate objects.