Skinny Therese

Adventures in Shrinking My Fat Ass

I Don’t Need Positive Affirmations From A Tampon

My new workout, Insanity from Beachbody, involves a great deal of jumping, running in place, and plyometric squats–it’s a lot like a pre-season sports workout (maybe the Cubs ought to do it; it might make Derek Lee a lot less lazy!). My female readers are aware that if a girl is going to take part in certain fitness routines and sports, tampons are a necessity.

Confession: I have not purchased tampons since 1997–my last season of NCAA Softball. Due to the advanced technology and design of the other options available–and my generally sedentary lifestyle over the past few years–they seemed unnecessary. So the other day I walked over to my local CVS at the corner of Clark & Division to procure a box. I wound up choosing the Playtex Sport brand. Packaged in a pink and green box, this product claims to be designed “for active lifestyles.” Cool, just what I need. There are images on the box of women playing tennis, jogging, and dancing, as if to say “The All American Woman uses this tampon! You could be that woman! You’ve Come a Long Way Baby! You’re Gonna Make It After All!” OK, whatever, I get it, advertising people. I don’t need to be convinced. The things just need to work

When I brought them home and opened the box I found something….ridiculous and downright hysterical! The tampons were packaged in plastic, of course, although an oddly textured pink and green plastic. But that wasn’t the weird part. On each wrapper was written two or three…I guess you would call them “mantras.” And all the mantras were different. They included:

“You’re a take-charge kind of girl!” (Because I bought a box of tampons?)

“Celebrate a bold attitude.” (OK, what does this have to do with tampons?)

“Reach for the finish line!” (Ah, the sports theme. Got it.)

“No distractions…just pure concentration!” (Contrary to popular belief, women can menstruate and chew gum at the same time.)

“The score doesn’t tell the whole story!” (Sports again.)

“Live fearlessly!” (Yeah, because I’ve got these really cool tampons! Sweet!)

“Go play, I’ve got your back.” (This one is obvious.)

“Go Team!” (The whole team bought the same tampons?)

I get what they are trying to do, but to the marketing geniuses over at Playtex: I don’t need positive affirmations from a tampon. Seriously, bro, this was a waste of the valuable time of some junior copywriter at an advertising agency. In the time you spent thinking up this one you could have thought up more of those annoying Axe commercials or a clever new Absolut ad. I set my own fitness goals, thank you very much. And I am inspired by…you know…actual people. Athletes like Dara Torres, Picabo Street, Venus and Serena Williams, Mia Hamm, Florence Griffin-Joyner…these are the people that inspire me.

Do me a favor–just wrap the damn tampons in the plain ol’ regular plastic and leave the inspiration to real people, not inanimate objects.

March 28, 2010 Posted by | Exercise, Random Observations | Leave a comment

No Time for Constant Blogging

I will not be blogging daily about Insanity anymore. It takes up too much of my morning and I have other blogs, two jobs and you know, eating and sleeping to tend to. I will however provide updates when I hit milestones–probably the next time I take the fit test. But fear not, I will continue to blog on other topics…

March 24, 2010 Posted by | Exercise, Fitness, Weight Loss | Leave a comment

“And on the Seventh Day…Therese rested…”

No Insanity today. Ahhh…

March 21, 2010 Posted by | Exercise, Fitness, Weight Loss | 1 Comment

Insanity Day 6: More Plyometric and Cardio Circuit

God, I hate this video!!! There is just so much jumping, suicide drills, push-ups….I am confident it is good for me and will get me great results, but Jesus! I am officially due for a 30-day (actually 28-day) weigh-in on April 11, 2010. I may weigh myself first thing in the morning tomorrow just to see if I have lost any weight this week.

I will also adjust my diet a little this week. I have sort of been giving myself a break because I figured that since my body is working so hard,  I should be able to go with my natural appetites. If I was hungry this week, I ate. Period. After doing such a difficult workout, I guess I felt sort of entitled. This week, however, I will have REAL carbs only: oatmeal, Ezekial Bread, fruits and veggies. I was considering purchasing that Beachbody Recover Drink, but I looked at the ingredients and discovered that it has an awful lot of weird chemicals in it. As I am trying my best to live as chemically-free as possible, I instead found a post-workout protein powder on Peapod, where I order my regular groceries online, which has a lot less of the scary ingredients in it. I can mix it with orange juice, soy milk, non-dairy ice cream, or water. I also may blend fruit with it as well. I chose vanilla instead of chocolate–thought it would be more versatile. I’ll let you know how that works out.

March 20, 2010 Posted by | Exercise, Fitness, Nutrition, Weight Loss | Leave a comment

Insanity Day 5: Pure Cardio

Indeed.

But as I had a recovery day yesterday, I woke up energized and ready to go! I may be sore again tomorrow, but generally I feel great. It was as the DVD promised: pure cardio. Nonstop for about 30 minutes after a really intense warm-up–no breaks until the ending stretch! It was actually kind of fun, though. I enjoyed working out for the first time in awhile…

March 19, 2010 Posted by | Exercise, Fitness, Weight Loss | Leave a comment

Insanity Day 2: Plyometric and Cardio Circuit

A little sore today. Had to stop and rest many times. This workout was also longer…40 minutes. I made it through the entire workout though!

March 16, 2010 Posted by | Exercise, Fitness | | Leave a comment

I AM INSANE!

Lovely packaging, too!

I mentioned to my sister last year that I have always wanted to try Insanity (insert obvious joke here). It is not a state of mind so much as a workout program sold by a company called Beachbody. The reason I chose this program instead of Beachbody’s much more popular Power 90 program is because it requires no equipment. My husband and I live in a small apartment and I am not anxious to clutter it up anymore than it already is. Besides I tried Power 90 in early 2009 and found the program too difficult at the time – remember I weighed close to 240 pounds then. But as I have dropped 40 pounds over the last 7 months, I have decided that I am physically capable of stepping up my workouts.

The promise of Insanity is this: A total body transformation in 60 days through something called “MAX Interval Training.” This is apparently the reverse of the standard interval training you are used to, where you use several quick and intense bursts of energy and longer periods of moderate rest. Trainer Shaun T. (I love the names these guys have), uses long intense periods of cardio punctuated by short moderate periods of  cardio instead. As a result, the promise is that you will slim down significantly in only 60 days. We shall see.

I will begin this program on Monday, March 15, 2010. As of Sunday March 7, 2010, my measurements were as follows:

Bust          42.5 in.

Waist        34.5 in.

Abs           36 in.

Hips          47

Weight     199 lbs.    (these were verified by my JC counselor)

In the coming days I will be adjusting my diet to add more protein and denser vegetables and other carbohydrates. I will also post a “before” picture of myself before Monday and provide updates at both the 30 day and 60 day mark.

My Goal: 25 pounds in 60 days. That would bring me from a size 14 to a size 10, I think.

I will keep you all posted on my progress.

I AM INSANE!!!!!

March 9, 2010 Posted by | Exercise | 3 Comments